My father was the funniest guy I ever met. I'm not sure if I stole his stuff or if I inherited it.
You could knock my teeth out and break my nose and there'd be something funny about it to me.
Billy Murray and I came to fisticuffs, but we never really ended up hitting each other. We tried, but Belushi got in the middle and we both ended up hitting John. And if anybody deserved to be slapped in the forehead it was John, for instigating it all.
The best advice I can give you about falling is to never land.
I never shot things up or freebased. I was pretty low-level when it came to drug abuse. I checked myself into the Betty Ford Clinic after my nose started to hurt.
Love is huge. But if you're talking about men and women, it's got to start with the most initial obvious attraction that warthogs go through. Look at that ass! That's what keeps the world spinning. There's your God.
I'm still in love with my wife the way I was when I fell in love with her thirty years ago. That's luck.
My favorite food is eggs. I like 'em over easy on a muffin with a little ham. I can have four of those every morning. I eat more eggs than anyone I know. How can you not love eggs? It's our birthright.
I'm about as bright on Community as I was in school.
I went to college with every intention of being a doctor. I was redirected by my grades. That, and a fake radio show that I improvised with some friends. Wasn't even on the air.
I don't think eggs are so filled with cholesterol as people think. The problem comes in with how they're made, the sauces and that kind of stuff. I could be wrong.
I remember the first "Update" I did on Saturday Night Live. They had big cameras back then, and you were looking into a huge lens. I wasn't nervous at all because I looked right through that lens and imagined the faces of the seven funniest people I knew. It never occurred to me that millions of people were watching. What I did was just for the eight of us.
It takes somebody smart to play somebody dumb.
It's all timing — Nixon leaving. Ford handed the presidency. Luckily for me, Ford kept on tripping over things. I didn't make any attempt to do an impression of him. I would simply take a nice fall or hit my head out of nowhere and get huge laughs for it. People used to joke that it really hurt Ford in the election he lost to Carter. It was close, and someone said I got a point in the New York primary.
I left Saturday Night Live after that first year. I never wanted to work for more than a year on anything.
I wish John were alive today. I'd love to see. Would he have kids? Would he be a grandfather? What would he look like? What you realize is, there aren't that many funny people in the world. You lose a guy like Belushi... ah, it's hideous.
It will eventually be discovered that the more you sleep, the healthier you are. Which means you'll really be at your healthiest when you pass away.
A good name for a mistress would be close to a man's name so that nobody would know. Like... Conane.
I always fly first class. To remind myself.
Live a life of grace. You'll be a better person for it, and so will your children.
Break as few bones as possible and make as much noise as you can.
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